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Derek Haines' The Vandal!

Some Lunars are being published at The Vandal as short stories! It's a website created by author Derek Haines. Click the Vandal link below and check it out!

Recent Posts

  1. A NUT
    Sunday, May 13, 2012
  2. FRESCA
    Sunday, April 29, 2012
  3. AWESOME SCANDAL
    Monday, April 23, 2012
  4. GAY MARRIAGE
    Monday, April 16, 2012
  5. AUGUSTA
    Sunday, April 08, 2012
  6. TOO OLD
    Sunday, April 01, 2012
  7. THE EX-WIFE
    Sunday, March 25, 2012
  8. FUNKS THREE AND FOUR
    Sunday, February 26, 2012
  9. STUPID PIZZA PEOPLE
    Sunday, February 19, 2012
  10. DELIVERY ROOM
    Sunday, February 12, 2012

A NUT

Tonight I was called a nut. It's not the first time. I hope it's not the last. When I hear someone call me that, it takes me back. To my grandmother's house on Maple Avenue near downtown Burlington, North Carolina. My grandmother and her daughters frequently, it seems to me now, would talk about some crazy stuff that folks they knew did from time to time. “Oh, he's a nut,” Nanny would say. “Oh, he's a nut,” my Aunt Gladys would say. Aunts Geraldine, Alice Blue and Barbara all used that same phrase at one time or another. So did Mama. Funny thing is, it always seemed to be “HE'S a nut!” Never, “SHE!” It's a sexist declaration to be sure. But that discussion is better left to another time.

I also remember hearing those words from Nanny and Granddaddy's RCA color television. That's the television I watched with them often. And often on that round RCA, we watched many black and white episodes of “The Andy Griffith Show,” or “Barney,” as they called it. Barney even said it one or two times. “Oh, he's a nut,” Barney said about Gomer or Goober or somebody. Maybe Ernest T. Bass. And, of course, Nanny said the same thing about Barney.

Well, I'm not Ernest T. I'm not Gomer. I may be a goober, but I'm not that one. And though I enjoy doing the cocky “Barney sniff” and belt pull from time to time, I'm not Barney either. Still, I've been called a nut. It happened again tonight by a co-worker. And I love it. I quite often behave like a nut. Being called such a thing brings me recognition. This is a good thing.

Now my grand young-ins are a bit too young to know the real meaning of the word, “nut.” Right now, to them, it's a snack food. They are all North Carolina natives. It's just that none of them has lived in this state quite long enough to understand. And that's okay. They will get there. But until that time, they will have to use their own known vocabulary to describe a lunatic.

Just last week, I was with those youngins. I don't remember what we were doing, but I was engaged with the oldest boy, four-year-old Sy. He was laughing and having fun. And so was I. And I did something. Again, I don't know what it was that I did, but I remember his reaction.

The young guy called me a nut. He just didn't quite know the right words to use. But in his way, he called me one.

“You're a funny old man,” he said to me.

I love it.

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FRESCA

For the most part, stuff that is written on LUNACY is intended to be funny or bizarre even. And while the LUNAR REPORT deals in honesty and more serious things, there is much that is not exactly true here on LUNACY.

For example, today I heard on the radio a short piece of standup comedy from Joan Rivers. She was performing for a group in Beverly Hills. She went on and on about the prevalence of recreational drugs in that community. She said something like, “When ...

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AWESOME SCANDAL

When Barack Obama received the necessary delegates to become the Democratic Party nominee in 2008, his wife, Michelle said, “For this first time, I am proud of my country.”

Well, I've been proud of my country and things it has done many times. But never as proud as I am now of those Secret Service agents in Colombia. What they did was awesome. I mean, this brings a whole new meaning to “make love not war.”

Now, for a long, long time, being gay ...

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GAY MARRIAGE

There's a vote in North Carolina this May on a Constitutional Amendment that will ban the licensing of gay marriage in our state by defining marriage as the union of a man and a woman in wedded bliss.

I gotta tell you, I have mixed feelings about this one. Look, I don't much care what folks do here. If a man wants to marry a lamp post, or if a woman wants to marry a brick, what the hell is it to me? On the other hand, as a formerly married person myself, banning ...

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AUGUSTA

Here we go again. What, is this a cyclical thing? The Masters can be played for years with no mention at all of the qualifications required for acceptance at Augusta National Golf Club, then, from out of the blue, comes again the controversy. “Should women be accepted as members there?”

Look, I'm not a woman. I'm a man, and I enjoy playing golf. I just did a computer search for an application to join Augusta National. I found none. I did find some information, however. Membership consideration ...

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TOO OLD

I'm too old for this. This is a young man's adventure.

I don't know what I was thinking. I was out and about after a hard week of work. It was an innocent night out really. You know, have a few drinks and a bit to eat and go home. I guess I was really tired that night. I know I had had little to eat that day. The couple of drinks I had must have taken it's toll on me. As it turns out, I actually remember very little ...

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THE EX-WIFE

I owe the ex-wife an apology. I've tried to keep her out of these Lunars and Lunacies. What went on between us and our son is kind of just family business. But I have said some things to others about her.

The things I have said to others don't make her look too good. But I've only said such things to folks who don't know her at all. And the things I have said contain little if any truth. The fact is, I love saying those ...

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FUNKS THREE AND FOUR

Okay. So if you've been reading The Lunar Report the past couple of weeks, and if you are up on current events, you should know where this is going. No joke, this is my third funk in a little over a week.

You know, you wait almost all winter long for that one big event that, not only brings you a thrill and entertains you a bit, but sort of brings the inauguration of spring. Well this year, the Daytona 500 was two weeks late. TWO ...

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STUPID PIZZA PEOPLE

I don't like to complain. But I gotta tell you, I am really tiring of stupid people I pay to do things for me and who let me down. I don't ask much of folks. I really don't. But when I do, and when I pay them to do those things, and when they are too stupid to follow simple – I mean SIMPLE – orders, well, it gets to me.

Take last night, for example. I ordered pizza delivery online. Simple stuff, right? Well, it's simple ...

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DELIVERY ROOM

(My fourth grandchild was born February 9, 2012 at 1:30am. That was too late to prepare a proper account of things before this week's Lunar Report publication deadline. But there will be more on this topic. Oh yeh. Count on that.)

Here are the most important facts and occurrences of the night of Wednesday, February 8, 2012. My son's wife had been in painful labor for nearly nine hours when the main event of the evening began. If you don't know my family, then it's not what ...

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