SUPER BOWL PARTIES - Feb. 7, 2011

Don’t get me wrong.  I love a good party.  And I would never put down a good and strong effort to be rowdy with old friends while we all drink and eat.  But this Super Bowl thing is out of hand.

In the first place, arguably the best party of the year is held on a Sunday.  A Sunday!  For the love of God, y’all.  Go to church.  Go home.  Eat fried chicken.  Nap and recover from the Saturday night party.  But a Sunday party?  Uh – what about Monday work?  I have actually heard of a movement of sorts that wants the US Government to declare “Super Bowl Monday” a national day off.  Yeh.  Right up there with Memorial Day, Presidents’ Day, Martin Luther King Day, Christmas, Easter.  We should now have “Hangover Holiday?”

My question is, who watches football at the greatest party of the year anyway?  Who CAN watch a game at that time?  It’s a party.  Football doesn’t matter.  I’ve been to a few Super Bowl parties over the years.  If my life depended on it, I wouldn’t be able to tell you who even played during those parties, let alone who won.  And as a sports fan, I’d actually kind of like to see the game.

And who can watch a game while standing next to the chips and dip table all night?  With all the crunching going on, one surely cannot HEAR what’s happening on television.  And standing for an entire football game that is stretched out over a four or five hour span to make enough air time for all the spend thrift advertisers to showcase their multi-million dollar productions?  Come on.  No human can last that long on their feet and still enjoy the athletic action.  Look at the players.  Even they spend at least half their time SITTING on a bench.  Hey.  Invite me to a Super Bowl party with 200 La-Z-Boys arranged in a semi-circle around a 60-inch plasma, and I’m there.

I was invited to a Super Bowl party one year.  They said to me, “Come over for our Super Bowl party!”  They didn’t give me a time to show up, so I checked the TV Guide to see when the game came on.  The Guide clearly read, “1pm – Super Bowl.”  So, I showed up at 1.  I had to watch these people empty kitty litter boxes, floss their teeth, sweep up some of the most disgusting piles of nasty little stuff, and all the while they were stirring a pot of the smelliest, most over-"garliced" chili I have ever encountered.  I mean, I was there for hours, watching all this personal and household hygiene take place before they even turned the damned TV set on.  How was I to know there was a like a five hour pre-game show?  I mean, come on!

But I must say.  It really was a hell of a party.  Thank God I caught a 24-hour flu bug and couldn’t go to work the next day.  I didn’t want to spread my 24-hour germs to my co-workers, you know.

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