GAY MARRIAGE

There's a vote in North Carolina this May on a Constitutional Amendment that will ban the licensing of gay marriage in our state by defining marriage as the union of a man and a woman in wedded bliss.

I gotta tell you, I have mixed feelings about this one. Look, I don't much care what folks do here. If a man wants to marry a lamp post, or if a woman wants to marry a brick, what the hell is it to me? On the other hand, as a formerly married person myself, banning marriage ain't that bad a thing. I kind of wish heterosexual marriage had been banned in the summer of 1982. I became a married man in the fall of that year.

But the gay community? I don't understand you guys at all. Are you guys out of your minds? It's like Vietnam War era women who insisted on equal military rights. You know, there were a hell of a lot of guys actually trying to AVOID going to battle and being shot at back then. Well, now you have a group of folks, the amendment people, who are trying their best to save you from a crucial life mistake – marriage. They are only trying to help. Believe me on this one, y'all.

Relationships without marriage – now that's blissful. The sex is the best. It never ends. There's no sort of “marriage comfort zone” where your partner no longer feels the need to keep you sexually satisfied. You know, once you are married, you can't leave. Even when the sex ends. It's just too much trouble. Your partner knows this.

And when there is sex in the unmarried relationship, the monetary costs are much lower. There's no real need to wine and dine. No buying expensive outfits for your spouse. Your partner will gladly join in without compensation of any kind simply because he or she knows that you can leave. At any time. The unmarried sexual relationship. It's a bonanza!

But there's more to this than just sex. When you are in a premarital relationship, you do things like, oh I don't know – go to the grocery store together. Stuff like that. You go there, you feel good and happy, you clown around with the shelf stockers and the check out clerks. You laugh a lot. It's like a festival of food and stuff and togetherness. Eh – once you're married, it's more like an angry call to your cell phone.

“You forgot the goddamned pastrami! What the hell am I supposed to eat tomorrow? You idiot!”

And before marriage, the loud and obtrusive snoring each night seems cute. Don't you think?

“Ah, listen to her snoring. Sweet thing is so tired...”

A few hours after the “I dos,” and one of you is banished to the living room sofa while the other marriage partner is barricaded in a sound proof and comfortable bedroom. Snore on, mate!

And the toilet seat situation, well, I have to tell you.... oh wait. That wouldn't matter in a gay marriage, now would it? Damn! I'm liking that!

And come to think of it, there are other bonuses to the gay marriage.

Spouse: “Pick up your damned socks!”

You: “How the hell do you know they are mine?”

Still – it's marriage. If a gay spouse is anything at all like a heterosexual one, then he or she will KNOW they are your socks. And they will certainly make you feel foolish by even asking that incredibly reasonable question. That's marriage, folks.

So, I am voting for the amendment. I just care too damned much for my gay brothers and sisters.

See, with the passing of the amendment, you have an out. When your partner comes up with that lame and dangerous line, “I need more of a commitment. Let's get married,” all you have to say is, “Sorry, babe. It's illegal.” That option is, well, simply priceless.

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